Yo-yo

What a week! On Monday I was certain of a barren life and was ready to let my husband go so he could marry a younger woman. But since he has a problem meeting and scoring with chicks he has elected to stay with me. On Wednesday I emailed the doc and told her I was ready to forgo IUI and move on IMMEDIATELY to IVF. On Thursday I found out how much IVF costs and now it’s Friday and I kind of feel like we should be give IUI a second and even third chance. $11000!!!!!!!!!!!! I first thought it would be $6000 and I was okay with that, not happy but manageable. Of course I go to the most expensive clinic in town but come on! $5000 dollars more for a few percentage points higher success rate? And WTF is with my insurance? In Canada we should be paid to have kids. Actually, in Quebec that is true, what about the rest of us? Don’t we need more tax payers to help pay for the elderly baby boomers? I have no love for the D.I.N.K’s and the D.O.R.K’s but I don’t want to see them eating catfood, that’s sick and makes their breath smell even more like dead ass.

Last week I deleted my Facebook account. On Monday my best friend from Jr. High emailed to make sure I was alright. She was quite sympathetic and very sweet. We haven’t seen each other in 20 years but I will always love her for all the great times that we had. She used to be and still is kind of evil I think so I have kind of admire that. But now she loves Jesus so it’s a bit weird because she is still evil. So anyway I wrote her an email and told her a bit about a dream and maybe said a couple of things that someone somewhere in the world would take offense to and now I haven’t heard back from her. I try not to worry about my actions anymore; it’s a huge waste of energy, like how I keep beating myself up for that time I gave someone’s photocopied picture of their baby cross eyes. Those other people were laughing!! I have given myself permission to let this go but 4 years later, just this morning, the shame spiral still swirls. So I will say this to myself one more time :YOU HAVE PAID FOR THIS ENOUGH! THE FALLOUT WAS HUGE AND YOU LEARNED YOUR LESSON, MOVE ON!!!