530 hours or 31800 minutes.

My birthday is in about three weeks. I used to celebrate my birth MONTH but marriage has reigned in the decadence somewhat. I have negotiated it down to a weekend, a long weekend. It’s still pretty far away but I am going to start obsessing about it now.

So I’m turning 37. As my ovaries prepare to shut down and my pigment decays deep inside me, vomiting out gray hairs, I worry a little. How did this happen, how am I 13 years away from 50? How am I almost a senior when I really haven’t started dealing with adulthood yet? I try to remind myself that 50 now isn’t 50 from 30 years ago and in the next 13 years it will get even better. I can’t think about my crazy alcoholic grandparents or my in-laws who don’t even try to fight it. I have to concentrate on the hotness that some 50 years olds still have. 50 is really just half of my life, the dumb part. The last 50 years will be filled with wisdom and patience. It will be filled with stability and retirement. And I wonder if I will feel differently if I can finally have a kid or two? I imagine that is the rocket that will launch me into the middle age stratosphere.

ANYWAY, while I wait for my biological comeuppance I plan for my big weekend. I have Friday off so Thursday I will go to Wendy’s and partake in things we love. On Friday I will sleep in until about 8:30. Then I will get up, have some coffee and check out the television and internet for an hour or so. Then I will put on a bra and go to Blockbuster. Here is what I will rent:

W
Religulous (wtf Blockbuster doesn’t carry it??? I may have to suck it up and try Rogers)
Passchendaele (if my heart can take the hotness)
maybe the entire Lost series.
something that will rock my HDTV, something spacey

God, I really don’t want to go to Rogers but I guess I can stop by on my way to Wendy’s and then suck up the late fee. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh I hate you so much video store.

Then I will go directly to Superstore. I don’t want to have to leave the house again so I’m going to have to have a plan. Um, lots of chips. Maybe some Pringles and those Bugle cornhole things. Some sour cream and onion oh ya. And some plain to go with Hellofagood dip. I will require protein so I will buy frozen chicken wings and those little mini cream cheese quiches. Oh ya and every morning I will have eggs Benedict. The first morning it will be with salmon and then the next morning with bacon. I will probably buy some breakfast sausages and hashbrowns to go on the side.

I will have to even my palate regularly so I must have an even amount of sugar on hand. For sure Oreos. And I will have to get a big bag of sour keys. What else…this is hard. Ohhhhh ice cream and coke, especially for floats. Oh ya.

Anyone is invited to come hang out with me in my basement, as long as they are in no way cramping my style. I don’t want to watch any home improvement shows nor any Manhunter shows. And especially not any Parking Wars. There will be no sex either. It’s ma birthday!!