Thursblah

I feel like a huge bag of crap. I felt so good yesterday after my acupuncture. I felt like anything could happen to me and it would be okay. Today I feel awful. Yesterday I went over to Wendy’s and we had Swiss Chalet. I was so hungry, I ate everything and today I still feel bloated from it, but I could eat a small army at the same time.

Tracy is driving me nuts. I make one small mistake and she feels that she should point it out and make a dumb face as if I brought shame to our great group, meanwhile everyone, her included, sends out error filled emails all the time which no one rubs in their face. Also for my birthday we were all going to go to Dangerous Dan’s but after driving by it on Sunday, I will spare my co-workers the experience. So we have to pick a different restaurant and everyone wants to do Indian but she won’t go anywhere that stinks so it always ends up an Italian restaurant even though I am not a big fan of pasta, just because it’s her favorite.

I’ve been a slug, haven’t been to the gym all week and was only on the treadmill once since I am here every night doing over time. Jim is getting snotty, tried to tell me I don’t need a birthday weekend. Every year his birthday is a long weekend and we have to go to the cottage where he sits on his ass while his mommy serves him; he can go eff himself.

I am half-heartedly trying some relaxation techniques to get me out of this mood. It always sounds great when you feel fine, but once the slump starts it’s a different story. It’s an awful feeling hating yourself.

360 hours or 21600 minutes

Times are crazy. My current times anyway. But that's okay because I just had accupuncture and let me tell you, it kind of works! I am stressing because my body is slowing dying on the inside and I am not sure of an afterlife so I'm freaking out a bit. Plus work is balls busy. If I screw up here, millions of subscribers will not be able to text their brains out.

Just a quick note as I have realized time is valuable. The appointment with the RE on Monday was not a positive one. He basically said all signs point to the internals of a 50 year old. His success rate in January was over 80% so he said "if it doesn't work in one shot it will never work and can I please have $11000 now?" The thing about me is things always work out for me in the end, it's just that the journey is usually very rough. I am really hoping that's the case this one time as well. I will be okay with never winning the lottery or writing an acclaimed novel or getting skinny and having a boob job but I really need this. I think I might have to do that Ask the Universe business where you write down your wish and then light that wish on fire while you pray to the stars. The last time I did that Steve showed up at my door 2 months later. So while it may not show the best judgement, it did give me what I really wanted.

I finally broke Jim's spirit and got him to agree to another cat. I finally got my orange kitten!! I wonder if my dreams of orange kittens will stop now? Anyway, we got her from the Animal Shelter. I felt bad adopting a kitten as so many older animals need homes but with Jack we needed to get a younger cat and I had to stick to my orange cat request as I am sick of being tormented with orange cat dreams. She's adorable! at first I was a little concerned as she looked quite retard but she seems to be able to open her eyes fully now. Jim stays home with her all day and bonds so I am kind of jealous. The guy didn't even want her and now he refers to me as the kittens Other Mommy. Where is his karma??? oh ya, it's me. : )

Stalkers

Stalkers are crazy. They are sad and desperate and gross. I’ve had all kinds, the really intense psycho Lebanese ones and the horny married guy ones. They come in different intensities, from the “innocent” meeting you on the same subway car every single day, rubbing his finger along the back of your arm in an All Hands meeting to the moving into the room right next door to you and screaming at you in the hallway, calling you a cold hearted bitch kind. I’m pretty much an emotional midget, any kind of discomfort and I am looking for the nearest exit. I have never in my life been able to force myself to do something I don’t want to do, so when some guy that I have zero interest in gives off “those” vibes, it’s all I can do to keep from vomiting and I’m pretty sure a little bit of it gets on his shirt. My point is, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU HAVE ANY CHANCE WITH ME??? I realize this may make it sound like I am a hot piece of ass, I AM NOT. This just shows how desperate men can be. What gives you f*ckers the right to make me feel uncomfortable on a regular bases? I don’t even want to get into the internet stalkers, we’ll save that for another day.

Crap dammit, I gained two pounds this week. I know the weekend wasn’t the most responsible but COME ON!! I spent 4 hours on the elliptical and two sessions doing weights. Those long weekends are a bust. Can’t wait for my Birthday weekend!! But for real, I haven’t had a decent crap in about a month. I’m going to have to think about some kind of cleanse or some exlax.

530 hours or 31800 minutes.

My birthday is in about three weeks. I used to celebrate my birth MONTH but marriage has reigned in the decadence somewhat. I have negotiated it down to a weekend, a long weekend. It’s still pretty far away but I am going to start obsessing about it now.

So I’m turning 37. As my ovaries prepare to shut down and my pigment decays deep inside me, vomiting out gray hairs, I worry a little. How did this happen, how am I 13 years away from 50? How am I almost a senior when I really haven’t started dealing with adulthood yet? I try to remind myself that 50 now isn’t 50 from 30 years ago and in the next 13 years it will get even better. I can’t think about my crazy alcoholic grandparents or my in-laws who don’t even try to fight it. I have to concentrate on the hotness that some 50 years olds still have. 50 is really just half of my life, the dumb part. The last 50 years will be filled with wisdom and patience. It will be filled with stability and retirement. And I wonder if I will feel differently if I can finally have a kid or two? I imagine that is the rocket that will launch me into the middle age stratosphere.

ANYWAY, while I wait for my biological comeuppance I plan for my big weekend. I have Friday off so Thursday I will go to Wendy’s and partake in things we love. On Friday I will sleep in until about 8:30. Then I will get up, have some coffee and check out the television and internet for an hour or so. Then I will put on a bra and go to Blockbuster. Here is what I will rent:

W
Religulous (wtf Blockbuster doesn’t carry it??? I may have to suck it up and try Rogers)
Passchendaele (if my heart can take the hotness)
maybe the entire Lost series.
something that will rock my HDTV, something spacey

God, I really don’t want to go to Rogers but I guess I can stop by on my way to Wendy’s and then suck up the late fee. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh I hate you so much video store.

Then I will go directly to Superstore. I don’t want to have to leave the house again so I’m going to have to have a plan. Um, lots of chips. Maybe some Pringles and those Bugle cornhole things. Some sour cream and onion oh ya. And some plain to go with Hellofagood dip. I will require protein so I will buy frozen chicken wings and those little mini cream cheese quiches. Oh ya and every morning I will have eggs Benedict. The first morning it will be with salmon and then the next morning with bacon. I will probably buy some breakfast sausages and hashbrowns to go on the side.

I will have to even my palate regularly so I must have an even amount of sugar on hand. For sure Oreos. And I will have to get a big bag of sour keys. What else…this is hard. Ohhhhh ice cream and coke, especially for floats. Oh ya.

Anyone is invited to come hang out with me in my basement, as long as they are in no way cramping my style. I don’t want to watch any home improvement shows nor any Manhunter shows. And especially not any Parking Wars. There will be no sex either. It’s ma birthday!!

Double Stuff

Janelle brought in Double stuffed oreo's. It's 9:21 AM right now. How long can I hold off? I just ate most of a bagel with butter, so I'm not hungry but my coffee is still warm, the perfect temperature to dip some double stuff.

I was a big pig this weekend. On Saturday I ate a whole big bag of those cadbury chocolate eggs. I did it for science, Wendy has a new blood sugar reading machine for her newly acquired diabetes. My first reading was 5.4 and two hours and 1200 calories later it was 8.3. I guess that's alright. On Sunday I ate a whole twix candy bar and after Jer and Susan left, I ate half a bag of those delicious new Sea Salt and Malt Vinegar chips from PC. 25% less fat than regular kettle chips! Yesterday I had a coke float and about 10 pieces of banana bread.

I have to cut down on caffeine so I am only allowing myself 3 coffees a week. So really, when am I going to get another chance to see how it tastes with double stuffed cookies?

Yo-yo

What a week! On Monday I was certain of a barren life and was ready to let my husband go so he could marry a younger woman. But since he has a problem meeting and scoring with chicks he has elected to stay with me. On Wednesday I emailed the doc and told her I was ready to forgo IUI and move on IMMEDIATELY to IVF. On Thursday I found out how much IVF costs and now it’s Friday and I kind of feel like we should be give IUI a second and even third chance. $11000!!!!!!!!!!!! I first thought it would be $6000 and I was okay with that, not happy but manageable. Of course I go to the most expensive clinic in town but come on! $5000 dollars more for a few percentage points higher success rate? And WTF is with my insurance? In Canada we should be paid to have kids. Actually, in Quebec that is true, what about the rest of us? Don’t we need more tax payers to help pay for the elderly baby boomers? I have no love for the D.I.N.K’s and the D.O.R.K’s but I don’t want to see them eating catfood, that’s sick and makes their breath smell even more like dead ass.

Last week I deleted my Facebook account. On Monday my best friend from Jr. High emailed to make sure I was alright. She was quite sympathetic and very sweet. We haven’t seen each other in 20 years but I will always love her for all the great times that we had. She used to be and still is kind of evil I think so I have kind of admire that. But now she loves Jesus so it’s a bit weird because she is still evil. So anyway I wrote her an email and told her a bit about a dream and maybe said a couple of things that someone somewhere in the world would take offense to and now I haven’t heard back from her. I try not to worry about my actions anymore; it’s a huge waste of energy, like how I keep beating myself up for that time I gave someone’s photocopied picture of their baby cross eyes. Those other people were laughing!! I have given myself permission to let this go but 4 years later, just this morning, the shame spiral still swirls. So I will say this to myself one more time :YOU HAVE PAID FOR THIS ENOUGH! THE FALLOUT WAS HUGE AND YOU LEARNED YOUR LESSON, MOVE ON!!!

My sky was falling

So I've spent the last 24 hours a blubbering mess. The nurse called to let me know that my cycle had been cancelled due to a FSH level of almost 16. Wow, you would think that she called to tell me I had a terminal illness. I avoided tear spillage but only thanks to the kleenex soaking everything up. My nose was running like a toilet in Parkdale and I pretended to be talking on the phone whenever someone came by. Ann tried corning me in the bathroom but I split fast. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I would have lost it. Pretty sure she thinks I have AIDS, it's the only explanation for my distress.

On the way home I text Jim to make sure the house would be empty to receive me in the current condition. But no, Greg was home and he wanted to celebrate because he just got engaged to the Sasquatch, hurray!! I told Jim I was taking the car and going back downtown to Wendy's. He met me at the bus stop and sat in the car while I cried. It was good until he said he wished I could just go home and pretend that everything was normal. He's such a good man 99% of the time so when he says things of this moronic magnitude, it's with some guilt that I blow a gasket.

I stayed home from work today, still a bit of a baby and my eyes are swollen shut but I'm starting to feel a bit better. I emailed the clinic to let them know that I want to skip IUI and go straight to IVF so now I wait.

In the meantime, I need to take this time to get into better shape. Especially if there is going to be a wedding in the future. There will probably be a lot of magazines there to document the case of man marrying beast.

25 Things I don't want to post on Facebook because Facebook creeps me out.

25 Things

1. I used to smoke, lots.
2. I LOVE the first three Star Wars (NOT the new ones)
3. I can bite my toenails if I choose to.
4. If I won the lottery I would buy a ranch and set up an animal rescue. Then I would get a boob job.
5. I have met over 30 celebrities without trying. Except when I went through that groupie/stalker phase.
6. I used to almost speak German fluently.
7. I have two mothers but I don’t have a mom.
8. I stopped dying my hair to prove to my mother in law that I am a natural blonde after she made a snotty comment to me.
9. I loved my dog more than anyone in the whole world. I miss you Molly.
10. When I was 15 on a trip to Italy my mother was offered money to sell me to some men in a white limo and she didn't say no right away.
11. I wasted 9 years of my life with loser men.
12. My highest IQ score was 142, my lowest was 129.
13. I have always hated mushrooms but am starting to come around even though it’s fungus that grows on shit.
14. In less than 14 years I will be 50. WTF?????
15. Every time I hear about someone I know getting pregnant in my mind I sing the line in the song Flagpole Sitter by Harvey Danger because I am petty:
Been around the world and found
That only stupid people are breeding
The cretins cloning and feeding
And I don't even own a tv
16. Secretly I believe that our existence might only be some kind of simulated role playing game.
17. I find Atheists just as dumb and arrogant as religious freaks.
18. Paul Gross is the best looking man in the world.
19. I like an Reo Speedwagon song.
20. I love art.
21. I have no tolerance for pain or suspense or morons.
22. I believe I have the best sense of humour in the world.
23. I am way too judgmental and am too lazy to mask my feelings.
24. Someday I will write a book.
25. I fear that I will never have a baby.

New Beginnings

I haven't blogged in about 4 years. I know I have a couple of accounts in cyberspace already created but my hub has strongly cautioned me about logging into my anti-Oprah blog at work and who knows where the other one is.

It's for the best though, as those blogs were just rants about things outside of my life, I had lots of energy to waste on things beyond my control, like how Oprah gains wait on purpose because it's the only thing she has in common with regular people.

Since I have just started the medically assisted fertility journey I find myself wanting to post far too much detail on message boards about the colour of my cervical mucus and such. I realized I needed a place to post every detail of my life for all (no one) to view voluntarily.

I just finished my first failed cycle of IUI. I finally feel like I fit in with the infertility vets. Sure in the last three years I have have 36 devastating months where Flo shows up despite the certainty that this was the month I would finally get pregnant. But now that I have paid a few thousand to get the same results, I finally feel like I fit in.

My biological mother was pregnant 4 times before she was 18. My adopted mother, her sister, could never have children. In my twenties my adopted mother started pushing for me to have a baby, even though my partner was an alcoholic loser. In my late 20's she started telling me that I better hurry and I would probably not even be able to get pregnant and I should start doing research now. So here I am proving her right.